Day 29 - Hopes, etc.

Oh, just call them what they are: resolutions. Haha. This year, I resolve not to gain back the 20 pounds I lost. I will drink more water. I will be a good mom. I will maintain a budget and stick to it. I will love my husband. I will spend time with friends. It will be a good year.

Guess it's pretty simple this year. Everything is new for me.

Day 28 - This Year in (not-so) Great Detail

This has been another very eventful year for me and for my family. Mainly, that I am part of a new family. Last year, Bobby and I were just a couple. Now we're a family. So, a snapshot of my year:

In January, I re-enrolled in school. I was giving up on getting pregnant and decided I should probably get on with forming the rest of my life. Since I didn't want to start over at the bottom of a four-year degree, I found a 2 year nursing program and started on the prereqs. I was very excited.

In February, I got fired. It was a very strange firing, as my employer's exit review indicated they were highly dissatisfied with my performance, and had been debating firing me for some time, contradictory to the raise they'd given me just a couple months prior following a very complimentary review. They also gave me two weeks pay and paid my insurance for a month. I am still very perplexed by it all, and don't quite know what happened besides my professional confidence being chopped up. About a week after that, I discovered I was pregnant.

In March, I was sick. Not ill sick, but morning (all the time) sick. I slept, I threw up, I lost weight. I worried about money and insurance. Not much else to say about all that. My friend Jen came with her baby, Janelle. It was very good to see her.

In April, I was sick some more. I was less worried about insurance, because of the government subsidy for COBRA insurance. Nausea replaced my sense. I forgot to put on deodorant, or change into a clean shirt before class. I left my purse at the grocery store or went to the store without it. I also had a sonogram and saw my baby move. I was incandescent. I turned 23 and we broke the news to the extended family that I was pregnant. There was much rejoicing.

In May, my "morning" sickness finally ceased and I stopped losing weight 16 lbs below where I'd been. My doctor wasn't worried, so I wasn't either; I was even cautiously optimistic that I might not have so much to lose after my pregnancy. I started to be able to physically tell I was pregnant, which was exciting and scary. I found out "it" was actually a "she" and the great name debate began.

In June, I started researching baby gear and thoroughly freaked myself out. I think it was the last month I actually looked for a job as well. I'd had a couple of promising interviews that completely bombed when I confessed I was pregnant. Bobby said I should just keep it to myself, but I didn't want to be working with people who felt I'd deceived them to get the job. So. No job.

In July, I slept a lot during the day and not so much at night. It was just starting to get uncomfortable. I saw my belly move for the first time, and, rather than think it was creepy/freaky (the way I did BEFORE I got pregnant) I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I was also steadily gaining weight again, about 1-2 lbs every 2 weeks.

In August, I went to Louisiana to meet Bobby's family at my baby shower. I also had another sonogram, and was surprised by how much she'd grown. It didn't seem like my stomach was all that much bigger (photos prove it was), but she'd gotten just huge.

In September, I started to get nervous about the actual delivery part. I also had a hyperventilation episode, which was very scary. We had my second (local) baby shower. I decorated the nursery. My cravings officially took over, and we (finally) chose a name. It even stuck!

I spent October in a constant state of, "Now? No? How about now?" as I waited to go into labor. I wanted it to happen already, but at the same time, I didn't. I got bronchitis and tried to read The Stand, by Steven King. Ultimately, I gave birth on the 26th. Bobby's parents stayed the last week of the month.

November is pretty hazy. Are you sure it happened? It must have. It was my baby's first month home. My first month as a mom.

December! Bobby was home more, and it was (is) glorious. I wish we could afford 2 trucks year round. We've got massive medical bills, however, and I know it just isn't possible. I'm getting better with Katie. She sleeps more, and so do I. I'm constantly in awe of her. I've applied for new insurance, but I'm still waiting on the enrollment confirmation. I had to cancel Katie's 2 month appt, delaying her first shots (damn, lol).

So. That's my year! It was pretty much completely consumed by Katie.

Day 14 - A Non-fictional Book

Even though non-fiction is a far larger body of work than fiction, it occupies a far narrower area on my bookshelves. I can consider individual books instead of series, authors or genres. Still, my favorite is still an entire category rather than a single publication. I love myths. Greek mythology was one of my favorite things to read about as a kid, and I still love myths to this day. I love the things they tell you about the people who told the stories, and the things they tell you about people as a whole. If we ever encounter other living things in the universe, I think the commonalities between our myths (and I've no doubt there would be some) would be fascinating to find.

Day 13 - A Fictional Book

I skipped the days I thought sucked.

Everyone knows I loooove my fiction, but I don't think I could ever commit to just one. Instead, I dedicate this post to fiction in general. Take the song, "Up Where we Belong" and replace the word "love" with "fiction." That's how I feel about it. I'm disappointed that genre fiction is not a respectable as just plain old fiction, and frequently perplexed by what warrants the distinction. Plenty of books I've found in the fiction section at Barnes & Noble were less than books found elsewhere. And books in the sci-fi, fantasy, occasionally romance, young adult, etc. genres were just as good as the best in plain ole fiction. But I still hear things from people who know I love to read and that I'm smart that they didn't think I read "things like that." (Most recently, it was referring to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams.) I never quite get why I wouldn't read things like that. What's that?

Whoops! Didn't mean to get up on my soapbox there. When it comes to fiction, I'm not terribly discriminating. The bulk of my collection is fantasy, yes, but I also enjoy mysteries, science fiction, kid's stuff, thillers, even graphic novels on occasion. I have my guilty pleasures in the romance and supernatural/paranormal novels. I toss in a periodic classic or book club pick. This does have it's drawbacks: with so much to choose from, I have a very long list of things I want to read, and never enough time (or money!) for everything. I wish I could give up sleep.

Day 9 - A photo I took

This is my husband, Bobby:


I can't put my finger on why I love this picture so much; it's not exactly well taken. I like the expression on Bobby's face, even if I'm not sure what it is. I took this picture in the Sequoia National Forest (Park?) in California. When we lived in Las Vegas, we took more day/weekend trips to various places.

On this one, the "Check Engine" light came on after we passed a certain altitude and freaked us out, and a hinge pin from one of Bobby's jobsites rolled to where it could swing and ping against the truck. Bobby was positive we were going to break down on some lonely mountain road, but calmed a little once we found and removed the pin. He didn't totally relax until the "Check Engine" light turned off on the way back, but we still managed to have a very good time meandering around in the woods. The trees, of course, were enormous and very impressive. The squirrels, according to signage around the trails, carried the plague and were not to be touched. (I have a picture of a plague squirrel too, but I can't find it just now.)

One of the enormous trees had fallen over, and you could climb on top of it. Bobby stood proudly on top while I snapped a photo; I made it halfway, then went the rest on my belly before needing help down. It was a biiiig tree. Bobby made fun of me for months, but I bore it well (hah). It was a very good trip. Much as I hated living in Vegas, it was very nice being close to a lot of outdoorsy destinations.

Day 8 - A photo that makes me sad

This is my cat, Filo. We got him when I was 5 because we thought our other cat, Gilly, wasn't going to survive being mauled by our dog. She ended up pulling through, so we had two cats, and got rid of the dog. Everyone thought he was ugly as a kitten, but he grew into a handsome cat. When my mom and stepdad divorced, Filo came with us and Gilly stayed with him. Last year, I had to have him put to sleep. He was definitely a very old man cat - almost 18 years old. He'd been wearing out gradually, but he was okay until the very last weekend. I wussed out and didn't stay for him to get the shot. I still think about it and wish I'd given him that.

My childhood was a little rocky, and Filo was my only constant. I remember telling a boyfriend I couldn't imagine loving a man more than I loved my cat. He'd let me hold him when I was upset and cry in his fur. When he was younger, he was very active and curious. He'd put a paw on your hand while you were eating and pull it down so he could sniff your fork. He wouldn't eat any; he just wanted to know what it was. He loved to sit in boxes. When we moved, I'd set aside a shoebox, and he'd ride in that on my lap instead of having to go in a cat crate. Filo was the best pet a girl could want.

Day 7 - A photo that makes me happy

I don't want to go with the obvious picture of Katie, so I scoured my hard drive for a happy making image.



I found this on flickr one day at work (working hard, boss!) and had to laugh. I printed it out and put it up at my desk and it never failed to make me smile whenever I glanced at it. It also just spawned a strange conversation with my husband about whether or not I'd freak out if a torso-sized snail was crawling on me. And I feel my response of, "What? Like you wouldn't?" is totally valid.

Day 6 - Whatever tickles my fancy

So I'm just going to babble semi-coherently, okay?

Not all six hours are created equal. Six hours starting at 11 are very different than six hours starting at 8. However, even if it allows less sleep, starting earlier (when I am less likely to just fall into bed and go directly to sleep even though my husband is already there and snoring like a lumberjack) means I have an opportunity for other activities. Go me! Though, I have to wonder, does waking up with a hickey mean that I'm not really an adult?

I am unbelievably lucky that Kate Monster sleeps 6 hours at night as young as she is.

There are other topics I could massacre, but I am horribly hungry (i.e. starving!) and there isn't any prepared or preparable food. How could I have let this happen? Oh, yeah: I'm a lazy, procrastinating, pathetic excuse of a housewife. Hmm.

Day 5 - Favorite quote

While I'm tempted to pick a line from Monty Python, I think another might be a better fit.

"The truth must dazzle gradually, lest every man be rendered blind." Emily Dickinson

Chosen more for the memories it evokes than for the phrase itself. This quote was written on a wall in a house in Bahia de los Angeles in Mexico on the Baja peninsula. I was there with a school group doing biology/geology field study. Bahia was one of my favorite places we visited. The house was very interesting, though all I really remember now is the toilets and the quote room. I slept outside in a hammock the night we stayed there. The toilets were in a little building separate from the house. We had 5 gallon buckets next to them to pour water in and trigger the flushing mechanism. When you'd done your business, you had to go down to the ocean and refill the bucket, then haul it back up the hill for the next person.

I'd love to go back if I ever got the opportunity. It was a great little town, and the water wasn't so warm as it was further south. (A good thing, I promise.) There was one island that was really just a rim a land around a lake. One little section of it was low enough to allow water to flow in and out with the tide. It was only about 3 feet deep and 10-15 feet across. While we were on the island, the current was flowing inward and there were lots of stingrays both inside and outside. They would swim up until the current caught them and shot them across into they lake. Then they'd swim slowly back (the current was quite strong) and do it again. It was like a stingray waterslide. We tried it too, of course, and it shot people across the gap almost as quickly as the rays if you caught it just right with your flippers.

If I were a little less dependent on modern conveniences, I think I might just run away to Bahia.

Day 4 - Favorite Book

Oooo, this is definitely the hardest for me, as there are so many books I love. Robin McKinley is my favorite author, but she doesn't publish things very often. She wrote "The Hero and the Crown" which was the very first adult fantasy novel I read. (Very first was the Narnia series by C.S. Lewis.) She's often shelved in young adult, though, which I don't understand at all.

My second favorite author is Neil Gaiman. Unlike some other things I read, I don't devour his books as soon as I bring them home. They usually sit on my shelves for a little while, until I'm in just the right mood. He's a brilliant writer; I love his style and dry humor. I love his words. But he can be creepy (in a delicious sort of way) and that isn't always what I want. Bobby says he doesn't get why I can read his books, but not watch scary movies, and I can't explain it to him. I just know that Neil Gaiman really is fabulous.

My mother-in-law asks:

So have you checked out the Kindle yet? Any thoughts?

I say:
I have! It looks really neat, and I'm curious about how their digital "ink" really performs, but I don't think I'm ready to hop on the bandwagon yet for 4 main reasons:

1) I share books back and forth with my mom and the used bookstores. Not possible with digital editions.
2) Reading a book is comfortable. Staring at a screen, less so.
3) One of the publishers who contracted with Amazon changed their minds about something and made Amazon pull the book from the Kindles of people who'd purchased it already. They were refunded and all, but, I'm sure it's kind of like, "Umm, I was reading that!" Not to mention the big brother connotations. (Ironically enough, the book was George Orwell's 1984, big brother indeed.)... See More
4) I don't think the cost of digital editions is really enough less than that of paperbacks to make it worthwhile to overlook the other disadvantages. (I clicked on one just now to compare: $7.99 to $6.39. And it's available used for $2.39 from private sellers on the same site.)

If I were more into daily publications like the news and online feeds, I'd probably be more enthusiastic about the format. As it is. Ehhh. Nah.

So there it is people! Publishers, make digital copies cheaper, dammit! I'll have you know, I am the book authority in my friend circle, so people listen to what I have to say about books. And what I'm saying right now isn't positive. Money can make other complaints non-issues.

Day 3 - Favorite TV Program

I am currently enjoying the hell out of Bones. I'm halfway through season 3. David Boreanaz is really cute, and I think the relationship between him and Bones is very dynamic and interesting. My favorite character is the prosecutor, because I think she's hilarious. (In the episode I watched last night, she wanted Bones to kiss Booth under the mistletoe in exchange for a favor, because she was feeling "puckish.") I also love how Zach and Hodgins compete for "King of the Lab."

I think my next fixation will be NCIS. Bobby admitted (much to my surprise) that he actually likes it. He hardly ever likes programs I like. (Though I like things he likes, ie: Attack of the Show.)

Day 2 - Favorite Movie

I hate Mondays even though I don't have to go to work, because Bobby does. I wonder sometimes if I'm a little too dependent on my husband?

So, my favorite movie is probably The Princess Bride. There's a lot of movies I probably liked more at the time I watched them, but I've always loved The Princess Bride. My name is Inigo Montoya!

It's not really a blog until you've done a Meme

Here's the list:

Day 01 → Your favorite song
Day 02 → Your favorite movie
Day 03 → Your favorite television program
Day 04 → Your favorite book
Day 05 → Your favorite quote
Day 06 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 → A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 → A photo you took
Day 10 → A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 → A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 → A fictional book
Day 14 → A non-fictional book
Day 15 → A fanfic
Day 16 → A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 → An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 → A talent of yours
Day 20 → A hobbie of yours
Day 21 → A recipe
Day 22 → A website
Day 23 → A YouTube video
Day 24 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 → Your day, in great detail
Day 26 → Your week, in great detail
Day 27 → This month, in great detail
Day 28 → This year, in great detail
Day 29 → Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 → Whatever tickles your fancy

So, my favorite song is a bit of a tough one. I like a very broad range of music. (I'm listening to a tenor sing in Italian right now. The previous song was by Ashlee Simpson.) My "favorite" varies by my mood. So, here are songs I like a lot:

Hello Goodbye & Hey Jude by The Beatles (I don't need to link those, do I?)

Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy by The Andrews Sisters

White Houses by Vanessa Carlton

I'm loving everything by Ludo right now, but I think Good Will Hunting by Myself is my favorite.

Well Fed

Katie's 1 month checkup was today and she's gained almost 3 whole lbs. She's 10 lbs 1 oz. I kind of guessed she'd be about that much, but it was still a bit of a surprise. Where'd she put it all? I guess she's bigger... She's fitting better into the 0-3 months clothes and less well in the newborns, certainly.

Not as good, apparently, is that her umbilical cord hasn't fallen off yet. It's looser, but the doctor put some silver nitrate on it to dry it out more and told me I have to bring her back if it hasn't let go by next week. Bah.

1 month tomorrow!

Katie is one month old and I'm one month post-surgery tomorrow. To celebrate, I shaved my legs. Wooo! My leg hair was seriously long enough to spin into yarn and make something. Sexy, huh? On that note, Bobby and I have had sex twice. It was also not sexy, since I was petrified it would hurt and super tense the whole time. It did hurt a little, but I think it was more because I was tense and not exactly into it than any unhealed internal stuffish.

Saturday I developed a breast infection. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been; I've heard horrible stories. I have a low fever Sunday, but was feeling better Monday and pretty much fine Tuesday. Hopefully I don't get another one. They're both a little sore, but I think it's mostly just the new stresses of being filled and emptied constantly. Breastfeeding is no joke, people.

I need to go to the grocery store, but I was supposed to go with my mom. However, the later it gets, the crazier the store is going to be. I went at noon on Monday, and it was already pretty busy. Normally, no big deal, but I am kind of paranoid about the baby around a lot of strangers because of the flu (hell, I'd flip if she caught a cold right now). Also, she can be a little unpredictable on outings, especially the kind involving long lines. Screaming one month old in a crowd of impatient people? Ugh.

So what fills my days now? Bones, What Not to Wear, and NCIS. I've never watched so much television in my life. I could read, but I have a hard time focusing/staying awake. TV is just easier.

I had more to say, but it's already taken me most of the day to write this much and now it's Katie's fussy time. So.. yeah. I'm going to go spend the next 3 hours rocking and humming and bouncing and swinging and intermittently breastfeeding. Woohoo.

We're Insured!

I finally picked and applied for a health insurance policy. It's just under $400 for the three of us, which isn't so bad. It's doable, at least, even if it will be a tight for a few months with all our medical bills. It's a fairly comprehensive plan, so all Katie's shots are going to be covered and I can take her to the doctor whenever she needs to go. Same for Bobby and me, but we don't usually go much. I ended up going with CIGNA. Fingers crossed that I never have cause to regret it.

Pictures!

Just the ones already uploaded though, because I'm lazy. (And Katie is squirming around in my lap fussing.)



My girlie




Looking pretty for her 3 week photo




One of my favorites




Just born




Me, mid contraction.




Just home, Bella investigates (and flees)




Jack is also curious

Woo! And she sleeps! All right, all the fun details. After much debate, we finally decided to name her Katherine Inara and call her Katie. I've always loved both names, and Bobby likes the diminutive and agreed that Katherine would be better when she's 20 something and sending out resumes. In the hospital I started calling her Kate Monster after the character in Avenue Q and it's kind of sticking.

She was 7lbs 4oz at birth and gained 10 oz in 10 days. If the trend has continued, she should be about 8 and a half lbs now. She was 19" long. My mom thinks she has big feet. I disagree.




See? Perfect. I think she has Bobby's ears and my toes. Bobby's lips and my hairline (widow's peak). She doesn't look like me, Bobby or baby me, but she does look a little like baby Bobby. My favorite thing so far is sometimes when she sneezes, she yells afterward. It's like she feels another sneeze or it felt good, so she makes the sound, but there's no sneeze attached. So it's "Atchoo! ....Aaaaa!" It's a really happy sound and totally adorable. Bobby and I crack up every time.

Katie's Mom Part II

Okay, Katie is in her swing staring at the motor like it's from space. Hopefully she'll progress to sleeping, but for now, at least she is quiet & seems content.

So, me, table, doctor, scalpel. When they got ready to pull her out, someone starting pressing down on the upper part of my stomach really hard. To push her down, I guess? Bobby says the first thing he saw was a foot and part of a leg, but he wasn't supposed to be looking over the curtain and the next time he peeked, she was all out. All I knew was that I could take a deep breath all of a sudden and then I heard her cry. It wasn't as loud as I thought it'd be and she only gave a couple squawks before calming down. Bobby went to look at her while she was getting cleaned up. I was starting to lose focus, and I just barely remember them bringing her around so I could see her before taking her to the nursery.

I was apparently in surgery another 20 minutes while they sewed me up, but I really don't remember. It didn't seem that long. They wheeled me into recovery, and I think I dozed there, though I remember talking to the nurse about nursing. Bobby says I was there an hour, but, again, it didn't seem that long to me. He came to see me for a minute and showed me pictures he'd taken of the baby, but I wasn't very coherent. My mom saw Katie through the window in the nursery, but went home before I was out of recovery. They took me to a new wing for me to stay in for the rest of my hospital time, and I think I dozed in there too. Richard and Jessica came to visit, and they brought Katie to us a couple minutes after they arrived.

I do remember that part better. I was so tired (and still feeling the morphine), but holding her the first time still made an impression. I'm glad I didn't lose that. After Richard and Jessica left, Bobby and I tried to get her to nurse the first time without much success. (It didn't help that my mobility was severely limited and restricted to the bed.) The pediatrician took her away for a while for her examination, then brought her back and said she looked great. A little while later, a nurse came in and took her away to take her vitals. A little after that she came back and told me that Katie's temperature was a little low and she'd put her in the warmer for a while, but it hadn't come up. She said she was going to leave her in the warmer another hour and see if it would. (It was about 10 by then; we were both snoozing and I'm sorry now I didn't ask more questions.) After an hour, she came back and told me her temp had not come up and her blood sugar was really low, so they were going to put her in the NICU. Ugh. I'm tearing up thinking about it, so I'm not going to talk about how THAT made me feel.

I couldn't get out of bed yet, so Bobby went to see her by himself in the morning. I went with my nurse as soon as I was allowed to walk. It was so awful seeing her in the little box with her IV. They let me hold her for half an hour, then wanted her back in the incubator. The next time I came back, I fed her formula, which they'd started her on to get her blood sugar up. That was all the long trips down the hallway I could handle that day, but I did all her feedings the next day. In the afternoon, the lactation specialist and her NICU nurse supervised her first breastfeeding. Since I didn't have milk yet, it was more for her to get used to the idea. She got formula right after.

48 hours after her admittance to the NICU, her second blood test screening came back good and they released Katie to my care for the night. Bobby and I didn't get much sleep, but we were so happy she was okay. The next day was hectic getting everything ready to go. We were released from the hospital about 1:30 pm. (She's been fine since. Bobby and I suspect she was fine the whole time and that the nurse who said her temp was low was not taking it correctly. The thermometers they used were really crappy, and the nurse who came the next day said they were frequently incorrect. They had temporal thermometers that worked much better, but they didn't use them every time.)

So, that's Katie's birth story. At the same time, I was learning how to move around again. The first shower I had Bobby do most of it. (That's love, people.) And before they'd let me leave, they made me use a suppository to aid the first post-surgery bowel movement. Which I hope to never have to repeat. Ever. The IV wasn't as bad as I thought, though it was in my wrist and uncomfortable if I tried to move the joint. The catheter was convenient and didn't hurt to remove the way I thought it would. Ditto the staples. The only pain killers I got after the morphine wore off (which was fantastic, btw) were lortab 5 and 800 mg ibuprofen. They gave me a prescription for home, but I didn't need them. 1 week after, I was standing and sitting pretty easily. 2 weeks and I could dress myself, climb stairs, and drive (cautiously). 3 weeks, I can sneeze and laugh and cough. I still have a little soreness inside (my incision is healed) if I stretch or twist. Hopefully that will pass soon, and I can start getting some real exercise. I'm 20 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight, but none of my clothes fit yet. Bah.

Yesterday, my doctor told me I can start having sex again next week. And I discovered I'm really paranoid about getting pregnant again.

Katie's Mom

So I've added a new identity to myself, and I'm feeling pretty good about it. (It helps that the chickie slept last night. Katie was born October 26 at 3:25 pm. I figured I should record my recollections now before they get foggier. I started having back pain on Saturday. Around 8pm, I started to suspect it was contractions. Bobby looked up back labor and got both of us all freaked out about it. I ended up sleeping on the couch. Around 10 am Sunday I started timing the pain cycles and called the on-call doc about noon after taking a shower. I described what was going on and he told me that it could be nothing, but since I obviously felt it necessary to contact the emergency call center to get in touch with him, I should come in and get checked out.

Bobby grabbed my backpack and sped me to the hospital. (He said it was the only time he had a real reason to give the cop for speeding. I told him not to get pulled over in the first place.) The nurse was skeptical about my being in labor, but hooked me up to the monitors. An hour later, the doctor told her to get me settled in to stay, because my contractions were too close together to send me home, even if I wasn't really dilated. We called my mom to let her know I was in labor and settled in to wait. I tried to read, but it was kind of hard in 3 minute intervals. Bobby watched the monitors, fascinated by the peaks of my contractions. My mom arrived and made sympathetic faces and turned on the tv. Hours passed. I regretted my decision not to eat lunch. Mom sent Bobby home to sleep. I wiggled around trying to get comfortable. I gave my cervix stern talkings to about its lack of dilation. Around midnight, I stood to go to the bathroom and discovered blood and other liquids dribbling down my legs. I put a towel on the floor to stand on and rang the nurse's desk. They checked me out and told me I hadn't dilated more, but if my water broke, progress was made. I went to the bathroom and got back in bed.

Then came a blurry couple hours in which the pain was worse and I was tired and frustrated. Finally, a nurse gave me good news: I was dilated to a 2 and could have my epidural. Did I want the epidural now, or did I want to wait? Now, now, now! hah. The anesthesiologist came and made many pains in my back, but when I asked when it would start working, the nurse said, "I'd guess it already is, since you've had 6 contractions without noticing them." Oh. Hmm. Good stuff, this spinal block thing. I finally got some real sleep, but woke up again eventually. At this point everything really is blurry. I know Bobby came back, I know I dilated to a 5 before starting on pitocin when my doctor came in. I know the nurses checked on me and changed my fluids and took my blood pressure. I know I asked over and over again for them to check me again. But the timeline of all that, even the order in which it occured, is beyond me.

With the help of pitocin, I dilated to a 7 before I stopped progressing. I know I went 3 hours without changes because the doctor said so when she suggested a c-section at 1 pm if I hadn't changed by 2. By that point I was exhausted and watched the clock avidly for 2 pm to arrive. (The epidural didn't block everything; I felt lots and lots of pressure that wasn't exactly pain, but still very uncomfortable and made me want to push during the contractions.) I hadn't changed at all by 2 and I agreed quickly to the c-section, so I was prepped for surgery. They gave me morphine through the epidural and I went all cold (starting at my shoulder, strangely enough) and then numb. I could still move my bits, but I lost all sensation. I was stripped and strapped to a table, and though it occurred to me to feel shy about this, it was very distant. They painted me with iodine and (Bobby says) put saranwrap over my belly. They cut me open, and I kept waiting to feel something, but mostly I just felt them moving around.

And now Katie is awake and yelling, so I'll finish up later, I suppose.

Two nights with sleep!

Katie slept about 5-6 hours two nights in a row. I hope it keeps up!

Getting the hang of things

The first couple nights with Katie home were pretty rough, but we got through them. I couldn't fall asleep the first night, I was so anxious. Yesterday Richard drove us to her pediatrician for the first checkup, and I fell asleep while we waited. When we got home, I left her asleep in her carseat and napped on the sofa. Bobby's parents arrived in the afternoon, and they entertained her this morning while I got a bit more sleep. I'm feeling pretty okay now, but looking forward to sleeping again.

We put together the pack and play, and she's sleeping in the napper in that instead of in her crib upstairs. That's making it a lot easier for me, since I can sleep with Bobby in my bed and still hear her easily and get up with her. I did spend a bit of time on the couch, though.

My mind is mushy. I'm so glad to have help. I'm afraid of how it'll be when they leave.

Interrupted

Katie was born yesterday. More to follow.

Other blogs

I've been spending a lot of time reading other parents' blogs, and I'm a little afraid I've started an addiction I won't be able to feed once Katie's born. Tragic.

Anyway, one of them today observed, "But at some point, we owe it to our children to point out the difference between participation and striving." He was talking about how we reward kids for trying in competitionless sports. There's no "winning," it's about playing the game. I'd never had an opinion on this topic before, but it was very interesting to think about. Now I've got a fledgling leaning on the subject, but I suppose I should reserve judgment until I've actually got a stake in the outcome.

Pardon, it was a comment on a blog that got me started. Located here: http://www.dadcentric.com/2009/06/how-you-play-the-game.html#more

Oh, and today is my due date. I'm a little achy, but no contractions. =(

But they were yummy!

I am home from the doctor, and there is no indication that my pregnant self is going into labor any time soon. (Besides the fact that there's a being inside me who must eventually exit.) Oh, well. All else fails, I'll be induced on Tuesday. I'm ready. So ready. Just let me go already!

And, in case I ever get pregnant again, I should keep in mind that eating gingersnaps when I have heartburn is a baaaad idea.

39 Weeks

I'm ready! Let's go! Come on! (If only it worked that way.) I realize my pregnancy has been extremely "easy," but still. I'm so over it. I've got tums stashed near all my hangouts in the house, I sleep in late, then take marathon naps, and I haven't felt properly hydrated since January. Mostly, it's the lack of energy that gets to me. How do women work through this? I always intended to work 'til I went into labor, but I just don't see how it's done. Especially for women that haven't had such a smooth ride as I have. Maybe if I'd been working the whole time, I'd feel differently. Maybe I should feel lucky I got laid off when I did. Impossible to say, but what else do I have to do but think about these things? (Hah, plenty, but fat chance.)

Bobby makes me laugh. Twenty minutes after complaining about how many books we have and labelling me a "book hoarder," Bobby called to ask me to find a purchase a book he heard about on the radio. 'Sup, irony. Meet my husband. In all truth, though, I do have an awful lot of books. I really hope I can get my kid addicted to reading too.

Parenting

The Mommy Files : Maurice Sendak tells parents to go to hell

I know it's a little off for me to be expressing my opinions on parenting before I've actually done any, but I'm going to express 'em anyway, dammit!

I laughed aloud reading this article. "...go home. Or wet your pants." Ahahaha. Fantastic. And that's exactly right! No one's going to be surprised that there are monsters in the movie. (At least, I hope not.) And of course, some kids are going to find it scary. Some won't. The point is, it's not up to film makers to decide if it's appropriate for your kid. Parents need to do their own screening. In the bastardized words of Neil Gaiman: Is it good for your child? Maybe. Every one of them is unique and on their own level. What's appropriate for one 6 year old might be totally crap for the next.

Or something like that. Sadly enough, I was probably the kid who would have nightmares after a slightly disturbing movie. (Coraline, for example. I haven't seen Where the Wild Things Are.)

Two more weeks!

My due date is in exactly two weeks. My doctor thinks I'll make it, so I've kind of chilled on the "OMG, I could go into labor at any moment!" front. Still in the back of my mind, of course, but two weeks is close enough. With Bobby's hellacious job situation, I decided to induce the Monday following my due date if I haven't gone already. Maybe the experience won't be as natural as I might prefer, but I'll take that over having to do it without my best friend to hold my hand. He'll have that whole week off, which will make bills squishy, but (again) not really any better options.

My appointment yesterday went well. I'm dilated 1 cm (same as last week) and the baby is about 6ish lbs. I talked to my doctor about whether or not induction would make a c-section more likely and when the optimal time for my epidural is and I'm actually feeling pretty good about my options. I'm still concerned about the episiotomy/tearing possibilities, but there's not really anything I can do about it. I suppose I should start thinking about packing a bag for the hospital before I get even more ungainly and sluggish, but I'm not a master procrastinator for nothing.

There are still a few things I need to acquire, and I haven't really finished in the baby's room, but it's really about all I can do to be awake and get some food in my tummy. I slept until 10:30 this morning, but I have been yawning ever since. Just thinking about getting some stuff around the house done makes me feel exhausted. I am feeling less sick, at least.

Insurance. Thinking about insurance makes me want to cry. If I don't hear from the guy I've been in contact with over the last couple of years, I'm going to find someone else. I have to have insurance go into effect on December 1. It has to. I am going to call United and find out what I have to do to add a kid for a month and then cancel. I've been forgetting to do it for 2 weeks, so here I go. Right. Now.

Shoot me now

I have bronchitis. I am going to bed.

P.S. Sick, pregnant women should not try to read The Stand by Stephen King for the first time. Can you say paranoid?

Tick.. Tick... Tick....

I went to the doctor again today, and she assured me I would not be having a 13 lb baby to rival my Aunt Freyja's. Yay. I am, however, starting to get very nervous about delivering even a significantly smaller child. I know I've been aware of what's going to happen for quite a while now, but I'm looking at my enormous belly wondering exactly HOW that's going to work. Also, there's no set order for how this happens. There's no one thing I'm waiting for that is going to be like, ping! You're in labor! It's making me very anxious to be waiting for something to happen and not know what. And for some reason, a lot of people seem to think I'll go early, so I'm afraid this unknown something might happen at anytime. On the other hand, I am officially full-term, so my baby could be born and not require additional life support at this point. Which is a little comforting.

Procrastination

Getting ever closer to my due date, and it seems to be making me lazy. Or I was lazy already, and now I just have a ready excuse. It's probably the latter, but I've nicely justified it to myself by saying I have to slack before a tiny dictator arrives. =D Total sense, right? This week I have to clean however, so I'm procrastinating with Gilmore Girls and blog posting.

Bobby called me slightly panicked this morning: he thought his parents were going to be here at the same time. My mom's baby shower is this weekend, so they were both invited, but my mother in law seems to be boycotting group visitation. We already told Bobby's dad he could have the bed in the nursery. His mom emailed yesterday to confirm it was okay for her to come October 2, and Bobby told her she could have the bed. Then, this morning, he realized that the baby shower is this weekend, and, for some reason, thought it was also October 2. So yeah, obviously, he was a little concerned about having promised the same bed to each parent and accompanying spouse for the same weekend.

So, about that. I kind of thought my mother in law would have taken an interest in one of the baby showers. She's sent a couple emails about the baby. When we first told her, she sent an announcement to her mailing list and forwarded the well wishes she got back. She sent us some pictures of Halloween costumes ideas for next year. I'm not sure if she's making token outreaches because she feels obligated or if she wants to be more involved and isn't sure how to go about it. It is, however, terribly difficult to make delicate inquiries into Ann's thought processes. She reads into things. So, uh, yeah. Not sure what to do there. Then again, I thought it would have been easy enough to attend a party with 30 other people, half of whom she was related to. Now I'm wondering if she would've come to the wedding if Bobby and I had done that whole thing. No reason to dwell though, right?

Gilmore Girls is so awesome. I feel like a dork, kind of, watching tv on my computer by myself. I just love the sarcasm. And I love that Alexis Bledel has hips. It makes me wonder about how to build a relationship like theirs (and mine with my mom) with my daughter without being a single mom. Or, more simply put, it makes me hope extremely hard that she likes me. Not that I wasn't hoping that anyway. I think I'm safe for about a decade though, yeah?

I'm glad she's not a boy. I'll have a much easier time giving the sex talk to a girl. Get some practice in, then have it with the boy we're hopefully going to have next. I might be a little ahead of myself here. I also read a book about how to deal with the colic I don't know she'll develop. Granted, I thought it was about forming good sleeping habits when I bought it. Then once I realized it wasn't, I figured the knowledge couldn't hurt and read it anyway. I still want a book on the sleeping thing. If there's a way to help a baby sleep, I want to know about it. You know, short of head injuries and spiked bottles.

Scary Day

Today was a very bad day. I called Bush Leasing to set up a payment plan for the property taxes they billed us for, seemingly at random. The most they would agree to was 2 months, and I really wanted 3 to be able to pay it off. The guy I spoke to was very condescending and completely unmoving. He told me they couldn't stretch it out more because they'd had problems with people bailing on paying it at all. I told him I was willing to set up a direct draw from my account and pointed out I had a perfect payment history. He asked if I thought I deserved some sort of reward for doing as required. I asked if I could have some sort of indication of how regularly we would receive this tax, since we'd already paid it once this year. He told me that they don't receive it at regular intervals and can't find out from the City when it should be processed. He said, "The city has a lot more to do than just a contractor would. I see how you wouldn't understand how difficult it'd be to get that volume of paperwork processed." I was so pissed I literally saw red.

Towards the end of the call he informed me that I was actually on a conference call with his supervisor and the account billing person and that they all agreed that what I wanted was impossible and I was being very unprofessional. Holy hell. All that fury combined with my hormonal self, and I started crying when I got off the phone. Then I started hyperventilating. I called Bobby when my chest started to hurt and I started to kind of panic. He freaked out because I couldn't get words out intelligibly and called my stepdad to see if she had a way to get in touch with my mom. He told me he was going to call an ambulance if I couldn't calm down. It was all very upsetting. What finally worked was standing in front of the open freezer and taking deep breaths. My mom called as soon as she got off work. I guess I freaked everyone out, not just myself. Fuck Bush Leasing.

Not much to say today...

But it's my three year wedding anniversary! Go us!

Questions for Elizabeth

But now you gotta answer the questions too.

1) What is your name. Or, what do you prefer to be called online. My name is Paige. I usually use Absidey or some variation of that as my online alias.
2) How old are you? 23
3) Where do you live? Dallas, TX (Well, Carrollton, really, but that's getting picky.)
4) What is your occupation? Bobby calls me a philosopher, but I guess I'm a house wife soon to be stay at home mom? As my feminist inner child wails in the background...
5) What is your relationship status? Married.
6) If you're in a relationship, give me a brief synopsis of "your story" We met during my senior year in high school ('04) and moved in together when I graduated with much drama. We immediately started acting like an old married couple, and made it official in September of '06. Bobby got laid off that December, and we relocated to TX in January/February. We are currently in the process of entrenching ourselves more firmly into boring, responsible adulthood and giggling about it most of the way.
7) What are your hobbies, outside of internet? I like to fiddle with things. My last big project was building Bobby a new computer. Next I want to try to turn our collection of old parts into an FTP server. I also like to read.
8) What are your biggest passions in life? Well, I love my husband and my kittens. I'm passionate about debate and fiction and science.
9) Do you have children? Describe. If you don't have any, would you like them? I have a worm. Seriously, all she does is wiggle and squirm. In 6 weeks-ish, she should graduate to full on spawn.
10) What is most important to you in a friendship? Honesty
11) Are you religious? No
12) What are your favorite bands? Books? Movies? I really like ... oh, drawing a blank. Books, I like things by Neil Gaiman and Robin McKinley the best, but supplement between their publications with lots of things. Movie Love: The Princess Bride, Because I Said So and comedies in general. And I still can't remember the name of the band. But I also like Vanessa Carlton. OHOH. Ludo! Yes. Them.
13) Ask me one thing you would like to know about me. Well, as soon as you get pregnant, I want to hear all about it, of course. In the meantime: how do you feel about tv/video games in kids' rooms?

Icebergs

Okay, it was just going to be antarctic nursery, but I found an adorable pictures of narwhals (and a merbunny, oddly enough) on esty.com, so now it's a POLAR nursery. I posted a bunch of photoshopped ideas on facebook for feedback, but now I don't think I'll use any of them. Still, I'm pretty excited about it all. Perhaps I'm finally nesting?

You're getting very sleepy..

It's getting harder and harder to sleep (and drive. and reach the keyboard. and eat. etc ad nauseum). I do okay napping during the day, but I just can't get comfortable at night. I finally figured out the strange rhythmic sensation down low is hiccups. As soon as the thought occurred to me, I couldn't believe I hadn't figured it out before. It seemed so obvious! I can't figure out what's up though. (Literally, up.) My doctor says the baby's head is low, which is why I feel the hiccups right by my kidney. But there's something rounded that she sticks up right between my rips. I always assumed it was her head, since it's so hard and round. Maybe her butt? I don't know, but I sure wish she'd cut it out; it's very uncomfortable.

I think we've picked a name! The first one wasn't even on any of our original lists, but Bobby decided Evelyn was too old lady and didn't like any of the alternatives we came up with. Finally, he told me he'd be okay with Kate or Katie as a nickname for Katherine. We talked and talked about it before he came to that conclusion, but it's definitely a relief. I was afraid we'd be bickering about it in the labor & delivery room. So, the spawn might be known as Katherine (Katie) Inara in the future. My mom dislikes Inara, but I don't care.

Cravings

I've definitely started craving sweet things. Last night I dragged Bobby (and he brought the camera) to the store for dessert. We got chocolate bavarian cream pie, bananas, banana pudding ice cream, chocolate syrup, apple pie, and whipped cream. And then I put some of each on a plate, and we ate it. I'm going to go into a diabetic coma, I'm sure. Bobby's trying to act like a martyr to my pregnant cause, but he enjoyed it as much as I did.

I think I've finally figured out what I want to do with my nursery. I've been drawing a blank for months, but I posted a link to a song about ducks (Sinister Ducks!) on Facebook the other day, and my grandma wanted to know if that was my theme. I thought about it a second, and said, "My nursery theme is.. umm, icebergs." And it is. Kind of. I've found penguins for the walls, and everything is white and blue (or maybe green..). So it's not the most conventional of nursery themes, but I'm not the most conventional of moms, either.

Baby Shower

This weekend Bobby and I went to Louisiana for a baby shower with his family. Because of the way we got married, and his self-imposed exile when I met him, I'd never met the majority of his family. I was very pleasantly surprised by how warm and welcoming and similar to my own boisterous clan they were. Bobby was surprised, too. In the car on the way home he said that maybe it was just everything in his head and heart as a teenager and they all just were too much in his business. That they didn't mean to push him away by trying to push and pull him in one direction or another and that he's sorry to have lost time with them. (I'm paraphrasing a bit..) It made me happy that he feels like he can enjoy time with them again.

I've always felt like my family is very close and tries to be involved with each other. We're very spread out (from California to Idaho, Connecticut to India), but when I was younger, my great-grandparents would put out a newsletter every month and include letters from anyone who'd sent one in that month. So even though it might be years and years between our visits, we'd still get the major milestones, as well as the day-to-day minutiae that makes up the little (important!) details of our lives. Since my great-grandmother died, that's stopped, but now we have facebook (hah!) and a surprising number of us are on and active on there sharing the bits and pieces. Bobby has convinced his parents to get accounts, and slowly more and more of his family are joining and posting their bits and pieces, though admittedly some have an easier time navigating than others. (True for my relatives as well.) And it's so wonderful to see him linking more closely with them. They add me, too, so I'm having a good time getting to know them by increments and seeing pictures and things. For the most part, I'd only seen Bobby's baby pictures (his mom had seven albums and they only go to about age 4), so it's really cool seeing everyone all grown up. It definitely helped me keep things straight once I started being introduced to everyone at the shower.

So, with that enormous side tangent explored, the shower! It was at Bobby's stepsister's (Sara) house and it seemed like we were the last to arrive, even though we were right on time. It took me half an hour to make it out of the entry way, I swear. Bobby got tugged off in another direction pretty immediately, so I had a few minutes of feeling very much adrift, but I did all right. I eventually found a stool to sit on and I stuck there most the night and let people come to me. It's pretty blurry, but I know I smiled and laughed and said hello many times over. I talked to cousins and aunts and grandparents and people I had no idea who they were, and it was a lot of fun. Afterward, I started putting it all together. "So which aunt was loud with really dark eyes?" But in the moment, I pretty much just let it go since I wouldn't get it straight and had a good time.

I did have a single moment of mortification. The stool I'd chosen was right against the wall beside a sliding glass door. I didn't notice anything ON the wall until I'd bumped something with my head and it fell and shattered under my chair. Everyone went utterly silent. 30+ people talking and laughing and then all falling quiet at once to look at you is awful. They blamed Bobby, so I had to say something. Sara's husband said it'd already been broken and glued back together, but I still feel really, really bad. Ugh. >.< I hate being clumsy.

I was just about comfortable enough to get a plate of food when someone came to grab us to go open presents. They put us on two chairs in front of everybody next to a veritable mountain of gifts. Bobby whispered, "Ugh, you know how I love to be the center of attention," in my ear, and I gave him a look that meant I would find a way to incinerate him if he tried to leave me. I'm still overwhelmed by how generous everyone was. Pretty much everything off my registry was there, even the items I put in because I knew I needed them, but didn't expect anyone to buy because they were too expensive. And, of course, there was a lot of Ohh and Aww going around. I laughed when I looked up to see all the guys hovering around and looking bored, and was happy when conversations started springing up again instead of everyone just focusing on me. I might post pictures of my favorite things later, but I need to charge the camera battery.

Once we were done, things started breaking up, and we spent an hour or so taking group photos and hugging and saying thank you and goodbye to everyone before helping clean up. We loaded all of the gifts into my mom's car. One of Bobby's aunt brought us clothes her 7 month old doesn't fit anymore and it's lucky the people who purchased larger items got them online and opted to have them shipped to us, because my car and my mom's were full for the drive back to Dallas.

Getting all the baby stuff has really made everything seem a lot more immediate. Only 2 months until my due date now; eep! It took me a long time to fall asleep after the shower, because I couldn't stop thinking about how inevitable the life altering event is now. I chose this, of course, but that doesn't make the looming of the future less intimidating. The bottles are the worst. I think because I've actually used them before? (Not these exact ones, of course, but I've fed babies.) The clothes were more abstract as I was collecting bits and pieces, but the bottles... It's my responsibility to make sure they're full, if that makes sense. I have to know what to do with them and it made everything else look all different, too. Suddenly the clothes were outfits I'd put on and take off a child. Laundry I have to learn to keep up with. Diaper rash ointment I'll apply to a little bottom. Nail clippers I'll wield with dread and necessity. A rattle I'll shake, praying it's the magic no-more-tears solution. It's all very weighty.

I really am excited, though. Just so we're clear. I am not on the edge of a breakdown, I just had a couple minutes of "OMG, what have I done?"

We got home last night about 7 and called my mom so she could empty her trunk. I went through the boxes of hand-me-downs. It's mostly 0-3 stuff and I told Bobby last night that even if those were all the clothes we had, there's no way ours would be able to wear all of them. I sorted them all by size, but I think I'm going to go through again and just pull out the stuff I really like or that looks like it will be really good for winter wear. I'll put the rest aside to return later. There's just soo much. Then I went through the gifts and opened everything I was positive I wouldn't want to potentially return or exchange and sorted it all by category. (Bath, kitchen, toys, etc.) I saved putting together the stroller for very last and had to get Bobby help me collapse it the first couple times. I didn't put anything away, so my living room is a disaster of babydom. A pack-and-play, high chair, swing, and exersaucer are shipping, so I can put them together once they get here. Where am I supposed to put it all? For such tiny little beings, they sure do use a lot of stuff.

All official like

I had my second official sonogram today to check out baby growth for impending delivery (eep!). She's growing fine and is apparently 3.5 lbs. I asked the tech to check her parts again at Bobby's request. He wanted to be absolutely sure she's not a surprise he. The tech seems very positive. I posted the new scans of the sono on my facebook, and everyone seemed very excited. I'm amazed how much bigger she is now! (It is weird thinking of her as a her; I've been trying to think of her as Evelyn, but I just can't. Maybe it's not the right name?)

We're leaving tomorrow for the baby shower in Louisiana. I am very nervous about meeting everyone, but they've all be very friendly online. I'm bringing wine for Miss Roxann and chocolate for Sara.

Eat better... or else?

More about breastfeeding.. I'm very one track mind these days. Apparently, if mom is lacking a nutrient in her diet, her body won't just make milk lacking that nutrient. It will make as much high quality milk as it has supplies for, and then not make more. So, I guess I have to start making sure I'm eating a balanced diet? I'm not sure I know what one looks like. I'll have to remember to ask my doctor if my prenatal vitamin can help with that.

Breastfeeding

It seems like a lot of people make a very big deal about breastfeeding. There's lots of pamphlets and information in books and specialists to help women learn to breastfeed, and it's a little alarming. I always kind of took it for granted that breastfeeding was natural and instinctive and (dare I say?) easy. To find that it apparently isn't is a little disconcerting. I have me fingers crossed that I won't have such a difficult time as a lot of women seem to.

In doing all this reading, however, I have found that breast milk is totally amazing. It's different if you give birth prematurely than if you go full term. As the baby grows, the content evolves to meet the changing needs of the baby. If mom sweats a lot, her body assumes the baby is too and adjusts to replace salts lost, basically making gatorade milk. Isn't that just.. wow? It does so much. And that's saying nothing of the apparent health benefits (and not just for baby, for mom, too).

With all of that in mind, I feel bad for women who can't breastfeed. It must be very difficult knowing how much better it is than formula and not be able to provide in that way. I hope I am able to breastfeed my baby. I hope other women realize that while not as good, formula is still a perfectly good option and shouldn't beat themselves (or each other) up if it's not happening on the natural feeding front.

Also, my book says that my weight gain should start to taper off. I haven't completely gained back the 16 lbs I lost, so I'm beginning to feel very hopeful about how much weight I will ultimately reclaim.

I feel the baby move all the time now, which is very cool. Some days she's more active than others, but I almost always feel her moving around at night when I'd really like to go to sleep.

Sooo Tired.

I've got sooo much to do, and all I want to do is nap. >.< I even slept through the night last night; I thought I'd feel pretty peppy today. But noooo. Might have helped if I'd eaten something real for breakfast instead of cookies and milk. They were good though, hah. Maybe just a short nap? And then I'll make crappy phone calls and go to the grocery store, radio shack, and the bookstore? Meh! Do not want!

In other news, my computer decided to start restarting at strange times and giving me the blue screen way too often, so I installed Windows 7. It's working out pretty well. Easy to set up, easily networked. My only problem is that it doesn't function will with AOL. However, that's more an AOL thing, because they haven't updated it. I do have to hunt a little in the control panel, but that's to be expected. I haven't been unable to find anything yet, so that's good. It's REALLY nice having a clean machine.

Oh, and the other day I SAW my belly move. In a pretty major way. It was kind of weird, but also really neat at the same time.

Visiting

My friend from Las Vegas, Matt, came in on Thursday and stayed through yesterday. It was really nice to see him and have him here, but I have to say, keeping him entertained was exhausting! I think I caught up last night though: I slept a solid 12 hours. Sleep is good.

We explored more of the entertainment offerings of the city than we have by ourselves, so that was a lot of fun. I think I may make a point of planning occasional outings I think Bobby might enjoy, just to get us out of the house. I took Matt to Chick Fil A for lunch when he first arrived, then to the Willowbend Mall. We did some exploring (and I bought more bubble bath, squee) before heading to the grocery store for dinner fixins. We made fajitas, which made Bobby really happy.

On Friday, I'm drawing a blank. How strange! Oh, right. We went for Bento Box with my mom for lunch. The first place we went, Shogun Sushi, is a favorite of mine, but they were having construction related difficulties, so we went somewhere else. It was decent, but I don't remember the name, and Shogun Sushi is both better and closer. After that, we went to Frisco to visit the Stonebriar Mall and had fun wandering. Then to Target before I was in desperate need of a nap. I snoozed (kinda) until Bobby came home, and then we went to Studio Movie Grill to see Year One. We were all pretty unimpressed by the movie, but Matt really liked the concept (dinner and a movie, all at once) which was what we wanted. We hung out at the house for a while, then headed to the Inwood Theatre for a midnight showing of Clue in the Lovesac theatre. I'd been wanting to go for a while, so I was glad of the excuse. Matt was excited about getting to drink a Rum & Coke in the movie theatre while sitting in a lovesac armchair. The movie was good, too.

On Saturday, I slept in. We took Matt to the Ethiopian restaurant for lunch, which is our favorite to take visitors. Matt seemed to like it, and we were all super stuffed for the rest of the day. We browsed the Galleria Mall, and Bobby got a new pair of sunglasses. He's only been looking for 2 years! Afterwards, we headed home again to lounge around a bit. We'd gotten a late start, so it was already fairly late. Matt and Bobby talked music for a while, and then we collected my stepbrother and headed out to go see the Lollie Bombs, a local burlesque act. My cousin, Jessica, was in line and seated right next to us, so we got to say hi. Everyone seemed to enjoy it, even if Matt thinks Forty Deuce is better. Also, the Pocket Sandwich Theatre has really good cheescake. =D

Sunday, we all slept in, then headed to La Hacienda to get Matt some Tex Mex. I don't think he liked his food much, but he enjoyed mine! (I can't eat so much these days, so I was happy to share.) After lunch, we went south of Dallas to the Soda Gallery. It was really neat, and I'd never been to that area of town, so it was cool to see. The boys each got a chocolate soda and I had a bottle of sarsparilla. We intended to go to the Dallas World Aquarium after that, but they were closing in another 40 minutes, so we just drove around downtown instead, so Matt could see the buildings. He seemed to like it; it's very different from Vegas. After that, I was feeling pretty pooped, so we headed home. Eventually, we were hungry again, so we took Matt to one of our favorite Indian restaurants, The Claypit. We got one of our curries a little too hot, but it was still really good. Afterwards, we came home and joked around about Texas and comedians and music before heading to bed.

I woke up really early on Monday, but fell asleep again waiting for Matt to wake up. Then when I woke up again, my head was all muzzy from the extra nap and I had a really hard time getting going again. Once we got out of the house, I bought a Johnny Horton cd and tortured Matt singing along with it. =) We ate lunch at TinStar, which he seemed to like and is always one of my favorites. After that, we headed towards the airport along the "scenic route," so Matt could admire the houses. We ended up at Mockingbird Station, and I went into an office complex for an emergency pee! before we found parking and could shop. Lastly, we went to an Apple store so Matt could make fun of it? or something, then headed to the airport.

I came home, ate a pickle, and crashed on the couch for a while before playing Mario for a little while. I totally ignored the necessity of dinner. Bobby was really unhappy about having to eat canned ravioli's, but he survived. Now to get back in the swing of things! Bobby's parents are coming in two weeks, so I need to get the house spic and span.

My breasts today are really tender and leaky. They haven't been for a couple months, so hopefully it will pass. I'm looking more pregnant than ever, and Bobby (finally) felt the baby move last night. He had his face pressed against my belly and was growling at me. He felt the baby once, but then I couldn't stop laughing, so he couldn't again. I'm meeting my mom in (crap!) three minutes to go swimming, so I should probably go find my suit....... Oh no. Haha.

Pregnant Happiness Is...

Making experimental dessert and having it turn out even better than you imagined. Yummm!

(Dessert was double fudge brownies from a box with raspberry sauce I made from scratch on top.)

Getting Pregnant

My friend Elizabeth got me thinking about The Test. So far, all I've really said about the day I found out is that I freaked Bobby out when I called him hysterical at work at 7 in the morning. It's probably something I'd like to remember though, so here it is.

I can't remember exactly what tumblers fell and clicked me into thinking I was pregnant. I know I was planning to ask for a birth control prescription at my next doctor's appointment. But I seemed to go directly from "Hmm, back on the pill, or try something else," to "Oh, fuck, it's too late." And once I started thinking that I was, I started thinking about the fact that my breasts were kind of tender and that I'd been pseudo-nauseous for two weeks. I wasn't thinking about the fact that it'd been almost 2 months since I'd had my period, because it had been induced by drugs, and I'd gone nearly 18 months prior with just two incidents of spotting for a few hours.

Once it had popped into my head, it was stuck. It was about midnight, and Bobby was dead asleep. I snuck into the bathroom and peed in my test cup. (I am totally crap at peeing on sticks, so I designated a cup during the early days of trying, when I was taking a test a week.) It felt different than the 20 times I thought I might be. The last one, I knew. And while I'd watched the little pink or blue lines like a hawk for every test I took before, I couldn't watch the one I knew would be positive. And two minutes later, the test had two of the faintest, barely there pink lines ever. I flipped out about its indecisiveness, thinking it had expired or something, sitting under my sink for 3 months. I wanted to go right out to the pharmacy and get another, get another SIX, but it was late and I couldn't wake up Bobby.

I went upstairs and talked to my friend Nick for a couple hours. Mostly I said the same thing over and over, about how I'd just lost my job, Bobby's work was all hectic, what if I was, what if I wasn't. Nick is awesome about letting me babble on like that, and eventually I was exhausted enough to go to bed and stare at the wall for a while. I got up as soon as Bobby left at 6 something, brushed my hair back, and went to buy more tests.

I got two boxes, but one had a digital sample, so I had three different kinds and took one of each. I couldn't watch those develop either. I sat on the floor in front of the cabinet, watching the clock and taking deep breaths. The results were definitely more conclusive than the midnight pee stick, and I took a picture to keep the proof even though I knew without them. As I dialed Bobby's number I stared at the digital image of my three tests arranged on the bathroom counter: a blue plus sign, two pink lines, and the last just said pregnant. And staring at that picture, I was perhaps less than tactful shouting, "I'm pregnant!" shrilly into the phone before I'd even said hello. It wasn't exactly what I'd imagined on the many hopeful occasions since I'd gone off the pill.

So, that's how I managed to have a pregnancy that was a planned surprise. When it finally happened, I was so positive it wouldn't. Isn't that just the way of things, though?

Maybe some curly fries?

I'll be halfway done this Thursday. lol, because it's all exact like that and all. But really, I'm starting to feel really impatient/excited. I want to go shopping, but I'll wait until after my baby shower. Everyone seems to be really excited about that part and enthusiastic about the gifts because we didn't have a wedding. I am too, I guess, but I kinda want to get everything settled. Like, for the first day of school, I was always excited about getting all my supplies and settling them into my backpack just right. Same thing, but on a bigger scale. Not to mention, I'm supposed to be nesting or something.

I think I am going to start collecting clothes. Not much, but it's hard to resist now I know what I'm having. I have been buying random packs of diapers, so it's a little less burdensome down the road. Baby wipes too, but.. uh, Bobby stole them. lol.

I joined a meetup group thing for expectant moms of 2009, but all but 3 (of 30, including me) have already had their baby, so they changed it to just a mom group and they do playdates and park runs. =( Cool and all, but I'm missing an important accessory for the kiddie playground. Soo. Pffft on them.

I need to go to the grocery store to find something to perk up my appetite. I bought some sweet potato chips thinking they'd help, but... meh. The best thing I've found for mid day snacking that I actually want is lil smokies and BBQ sauce. I'll eat about 5 and feel good about things. I was eating a lot of apples, but they got old. I need a new go-to fruit! Bananas maybe? Meh. I ate half a can of pineapples for breakfast, but only because I HAD to eat something. I've been doing pretty well about just eating cereal when I get up whether I want it or not, but I'm out of milk. Otherwise I probably wouldn't bother going to the store. Maybe stuff for sandwiches? I like tuna, but I'm not really supposed to eat much of it, so maybe if I got chicken. Canned chicken even! It tastes like tuna. lol. And I really like bread right now. How about some spreadable butter and french bread? God, I'd gain 50 lbs over the pregnancy. A little probably wouldn't hurt though. Maybe just to get my appetite going?

Speaking of which, I thought I was starting to gain some weight back, but I got on the scale this morning and I've lost half of what I'd gained over the past month. Not a bad thing; I've plenty of reserve to burn, but I'm a little afraid I'll balloon or something in the last trimester. I'm definitely gaining some bulk, though it seems denser some days that others. Or closer to the surface of my skin or something. Like, some days my belly is pretty solid. Yesterday, Bobby was poking around and said he couldn't even tell where my uterus was under my squish. It's weird. =/

I suppose that's enough babbling from my decidedly one-track mind. I'm really hungry; now to find something I want to eat.

It's a girl!

I went to the doctor again today and I'm having a girl! I've also started to gain some of the weight I lost back, but it's pretty slow. I'm starting to feel flutterings in my lower abdomen which I think might be the baby, but I can't be sure. They're not big enough to feel externally, which makes Bobby sad, but I'm sure he'll be able to feel kicks soon enough. I've been craving milkshakes. Yumm.

Names: Evelyn Elizabeth, Evangeline Inara, Charlotte, Vittoria, Constantine, Zephyr

I'm going on vacation!

I'm going to San Antonio for the weekend! We're going to go on a cave tour, visit sea world, explore the river walk thingie, and get kolaches in West. Oh, how I love kolaches. It will be a lot of fun, even stopping to pee every half hour. Especially since I never get any warning, it's all OMG MUST URINATE RIGHT NOW. But that's pretty minor, all thing's considered. At least I'm down to puking a minimum of maybe once a week or so. Progress!

Sonogram next Wednesday. I'll be, like, a week and a half short of 5 months, so I really hope we'll be able to tell the sex. My belly has exploded outward. Bobby likes poking at me asking things like, "Stomach or uterus? Is that your spleen?"

I had to go shopping to get some maternity wear. I got some things that aren't too awful. Mostly non-tent items. And, wearing them, I'm definitely past the pregnant: not just fat threshold. I fear I'm not going to be able to wear my preferred pants much longer though, and I just couldn't convince myself to purchase any with scary, distended elastic tops. My freedom will soon be at an end, I know.

Since my friends all seem to be posting things like, "American Idol, barf!" I'm feeling the need to talk about it. The American Idol finale was pretty awesome. Kiss AND Queen? Duuuude. Didn't really care about the results, since I liked everyone in the top 3. And now I can return to not watching television for a few weeks. Would have been the rest of the year, but I got Bobby addicted to True Blood. (I like it too, but I'd probably just read the books and forget about the show if he didn't.) Curious to see what they do, since I think they killed the guy central to the Dallas plotline and seem to have given the maenad a much larger role.

I could really use a nap. I blame Jane Eyre.

Happy Mother's Day

It's been a surreal day for me, receiving well wishes on this holiday to celebrate motherhood. I don't feel particularly momlike, so it is weird that so many are commenting on it. Not that weird I suppose, since I am going to be a mother, but it just seems very far away still. I'm ambivalent about it, I suppose. My pregnancy guidebook says my breasts might be producing and expressing colostrum, so of course I had to feel myself up to see if they were. And they are. Weird! (Bobby agreed that it was weird.) Also, I'm starting to show. Mostly, I just look fat, but it's different than before and I know. So.. uh, I'm really pregnant, huh?

Hello Conservative Left..?

I hardly ever so much as acknowledge politics, but lately.. just, gah! A democratic representative from Chicago recently told an Atheist "It's dangerous for our children to even know that your philosophy exists." According to the Chicago Tribune, Davis launched into a diatribe against atheists, asserting that atheists did not have a right to present testimony to the legislature.

atheists did not have a right to present testimony WHAT? That's not okay. I can't even go into how absolutely furious that statement made me.

That's the most major of things, but now I'm reading that people want ED treatment ads banned between the hours of 6am and 10pm. Reasoning: "...sometimes, when you're watching TV with young kids, you really don't want to answer questions about erectile dysfunction." Okay, so in order to avoid awkward-to-answer questions from our children, we're now going to shelter them from topics we view as sensitive? What's so bad about sex anyway? Necessary to create those children you're shielding, and they'll be having it themselves at some point, probably more recreationally than these parents want. And they'll be doing it uneducated, because we can't answer questions about what it means when a man's penis doesn't work right. Normally, article like this, big deal. But on the accompanying poll, 79% said they agreed. Fuck. And the bill to ban them? Introduced by Democrat Jim Moran.

Lastly, I read an article about Hugh Hefner selecting an African playmate of the year. She's pretty, but the blurb is pretty dull. And then, down at the bottom, another poll:

Do you read Playboy magazine?
Yes, are you kidding me?
No, it's very degrading.

These are my only options? I don't read Playboy magazine because the models look plastic, the poses seem contrived and awkward, and the articles read like they're written by some good ole boy prick still living in the '70s. And yes, I read more than 3 pages before I made this determination. I didn't glance at the pictures and make a snap judgement. I subscribed for a whole (underwhelming) year. Fucking degrading. You know why beautiful women are objectified? Because sex is wrong and being sexy is unacceptable. Men (and some women) aren't about to give it up though, so it'll come from somewhere. I truly think better sex education (and I don't mean the fucking video they showed me in fourth grade) would result in better (and, dare I say, woman-friendly?) porn.

What the fuck happened?

Sometimes literature sneaks up on you.

I read a lot, and of wide variety. Much of it is because I enjoy getting lost in other worlds or times or lives. I read romance because it is cheap. Not just because I get them for a dollar at the used bookstore, but also because there is a minimum of commitment required in order to read them. Most can be picked up and chosen or discarded as suitable based on their cover and a glance at the back flap. They do not take horribly long to read; they are not weighty or complicated. So, by cheap, I also mean they don't require much time, focus, or thought, and are thus ideal to use as a way to relax with a couple of casual hours.

Sometimes, however, one will surprise you. I am just over 200 pages into a book called "Black Silk," written by Judith Ivory, and I am finding it to be not at all the usual sort of romance. In 200 pages, the hero and heroine have not kissed; they've scarcely had more than 3 or 4 conversations. Rather, they have had separate portraits painted, both intriguing in unique ways for this particular brand of fiction. While it seems completely typical: a jaded older male paired with a young, troubled widow, I am beginning to think that the impression is completely wrong.

Rather than a rake simultaneously lauded and ostracized by his peers, the male lead has instead been legally punished for his actions, both committed and falsely accused. He has not had a put upon "awakening" at falling in love with a fresh young miss, now needing to protect and shield her from his darker past. (This may be forthcoming, of course, but I would be surprised.) Rather, his motivations and morals (good and bad) have been quite clearly demonstrated and made entirely believable.

As for the female, she is not innocently and naively curious, easily falling into the arms of an attractive man. She, too, has been fleshed out and given life in a way that is not stereotypical of romance. She is realistically aloof, not said to be, but not. She is wary (justifiably so) and does not see the hero as such. She sees him (clearly, imo) as absurd and wasteful. Jaded and stupid, despite his clever intelligence.

It's refreshing, on the one hand. On the other, I picked up a romance to break myself out of a melancholic mood and have instead spiraled rather deeper into it as I sink further into their tale. I kind of feel I've been deceived, not received the advertised product. However, if this had been marketed as literature, how likely is it I would have picked it up? And I am certainly enjoying it as a very well-written story, which I sincerely hope has a happy ending.

Hopefully I can recapture my good mood tomorrow.

Pregnancy Wisdom

There is no meal that cannot be improved by the addition of a pickle. My lunch: an apple, glass of OJ and a pickle. omnom.

Wanted: Estrogenic Individuals with Kidcentric Interests

Okay, so I never really made friends when I moved to Texas, but I'm sure my dude friends scattered around the country are sick of hearing me babble about baby crap. I think I'm going to take some prenatal yoga once I get a little more obviously pregnant (versus fat, lol). In the meantime, hmmm? Dunno. I wanna make friends with some Octobers! I wonder if there's an LJ community for that?

In other news, I am feeling very guilty for eating all of Bobby's ice cream. However... it was really good. And everything they say about pickles is true. I'm going to go get one now. =D

It's my birthday!

In other news, I've lost 16 lbs since getting pregnant and my morning sickness is getting worse leaving the first trimester. My doctor's not too concerned about the weight loss, because I'm healthy, my blood work is normal, the baby is growing exactly as it should and very active. (I can't feel it yet, but we could see it [omg!] on the sonogram.) Bobby thinks it's just because I'm home all the time now, so I eat less and of healthier variety. I think he's right. It also makes a difference that hardly anything sounds good, so I'm eating things like 3 pickles and a V-8 for lunch. Before I'd go to lunch just to get away and eat whatever was convenient. I tried bringing my lunch for a while, which I don't mind, but when I did that, everyone would ask me every 5 minutes if I was 'back' and then act like I was being snotty when I'd say, "Not yet, but if you need something done, I can go ahead and take it." Seriously. It showed up in my exit review. Oops, sidetracked. I think my next appt is this Thursday, but I'll prolly call to be sure. I can't remember my appts to save my life, but I've managed not to miss any yet.

I am 23 today! Not that it matters much anymore, but I always get excited. yay! My mom took me to get a pedicure, a facial, and some lunch. And then we went to half-price books and I bought 10 books for 10 bucks! Yay! I got a really old edition set of the Chronicles of Narnia, numbered in the publishing order rather than chronologically the way they are now. For 98 cents each! Sweet! I also bought some trashy romance. =) Which I am now going to go read until it is time for class. Good day.

At 2 in the morning, I thought this was hysterical.

Bobby always falls asleep before me. Sometimes just a few minutes, sometimes hours. He also snores, and over the years, I've come up with various ways to get him to stop without totally waking him up. Sometimes it's a lost cause, so I retreat to my side of the bed and possibly poke him until he rolls over.

Last night, he was being really clingy and woke up enough to hold on to me to keep me from moving away.
Me: I gotta, I swear you're half bear.
Him: Well, if I'm a bear, you're my bear hair.
Me: ... .... ..... What?
Him: I'm bald and cold without you!
Me: Your bear hair?
Him: Yeah.
Me: *totally dying laughing*
Him: ... .... ..... What?
Me: I'll tell you again in the morning.

Announcement time!

We posted scans of my sonogram on facebook today. I'm 11 weeks, so that's close enough to safe for us. Everyone is really excited, especially Bobby's parents. In the sonogram, I could actually see something! It's only about 4 cm long, but it moved around a bunch. It was really squirmy and I'm really curious if she/he will be squirmy the whole time. I want to be able to feel it, but there's nothing.

Not much going on other than that. Anatomy is still kicking my ass. I'll probably have to retake it to get into the program I want.

Thoughts on Marriage

I love being married. Or, I love being married to B0bby. I don't think the married part is all that necessary, it'd be the same if we just lived together. That said, my views on marriage in general tend to be very cynical. I think people get married too quickly and for the wrong reasons. I think people should be more careful about having children. Both Bobby and I come from divorced parents. Both of our fathers are remarried and seem happy. Our mothers are chronic marriers. My mom is on marriage number 4, and it seems like it is going just as strong as ever. Bobby's mom is on number 5 or 6..? I think? That one, we'll see, it's still new. With that history, however, we're hyper aware of our relationship health. I know I think about it when we argue. I think, "How important is this? Worth taking a step down a bad path? Is there a better way to resolve it?" I don't know if Bobby's the same way, but I know he's concerned about the quantity of sex decreasing after the baby's arrival. (In all truth, so am I.) I do believe that the quality of a couple's sex life is an indicator of the health of their marriage. So, we make an effort.

Wow, wild tangent I didn't intend at all. Anyway, my little sister is getting married in September. I am decidedly opposed. She'll be fresh out of high school. She's not quite 18. She still lives at home (with her boyfriend, yes, but AT HOME). I've been trying to decide how big a hypocrite I am for feeling like this, but I still wish I were close enough to her to be comfortable talking her out of it. I hope they decide to wait. She asked me to be maid of honor, but I don't think I'll be able to travel so close to my due date. (To say nothing of finances.) But... ugh.

I've completely lost my appetite and 10 lbs. I miss the first, not so much the second (not that I see a difference.) Ugh. I'm really looking forward to the morning sickness part being over. I am a little afraid I'll end up being one of the ones to stay sick the whole time. I think my mom did.

Insurance is the devil

I know I mentioned I might be looking for a job, but not why. I got laid off about two weeks before I found out about the pregnancy. Yeah. Cool beans, hmm? So I'm paying an assload for COBRA since as a prego chick I am UNINSURABLE. I understand the fiscal logistics of why that is, but it's still total BS that proper medical care during pregnancy is so expensive. Today I finished my paperwork to work for West, which is a call center kind of place. I'll be working from home, which is pretty badass, but I'm taking (another) 40% pay cut. $32K/year to $8/hr hurts, yeah? But it's what I wanted. I wouldn't go back to hospitality for less than $40K and I don't have the experience to support that salary. And it's not doing so well in the current economic climate either, so for now I'm just thankful I'm employed and that I can pick my hours. I'm going to be taking calls for whirlpool regarding recall, so it might even be interesting (pfft). But I can play wow in downtime! If there is any, which will be seen.

Tomorrow I have a killer test in Anatomy, so I'm leaving my training until Monday. In the meantime, I am nauseous all. the. time. but not vomiting constantly. My boobs ache, my digestion is all abnormal like, I get hot flashes, and I am constantly exhausted. Oh, and I pee constantly. I thought the pee thing was only once your uterus was big enough to pressure your bladder, but it actually starts right away because your body steps up blood production, and therefore blood filtration and production of liquid waste. So I'm peeing more than I ever have and can't stay hydrated. My skin's dry, my lips crack, and I can't brush my teeth often enough. I understand now why pregnant women have to be hospitalized to rehydrate sometimes. It's the coolest, most fascinating stuff ever, especially in conjunction with my anatomy/physiology class. But it still kind of sucks. Bobby says he thought me being pregnant would be fun, not watching me fall asleep over dinner. I think it will be once I start feeling stuff that's baby and not just stuff that's sick. And I'm really looking forward to going shopping.

Empty house

Apparently I'm supposed to avoid all unnecessary x-rays. How often does that come up? I mean, do doctors frequently recommend x-rays that they don't need? Weird.

So, Jen went home today with Janelle. I was surprised how much Bobby enjoyed interacting with her. She was a good baby, though she made me see I'll have a lot of work to do baby proofing our house. And it made me impatient to know what my baby is going to be (is?). I want to shop, dammit! Jen brought some little fabric books and bought a duckie sleeper set for him/her, so she's officially the first gift-giver!

In other news, today was the first spring rain and I've lost 6 lbs to nausea. I'm hoping I can avoid gaining too much weight - I really hope I don't break 200 lbs. Fingers crossed! Lots of studying to do, so off I go!

I have a due date!

Today was my second doctor's visit. I got to hear the heart beat for the first time, and it was incredible. My mom got me a day-by-day pregnancy journal thing with lots of information about the growth and development. Everyday I tell Bobby something new, like "the tail portion is becoming less prominent," hah. It says that today is the end of the first lunar month and I have 8 and a half to go. That seems like such a long time, but I guess it'll be here before I know it.

I've told some of my friends that I'm pregnant, and no one has said anything about my youth or anything (not that I expected them to). I kind of wonder if they've been expecting that announcement for a while. I know the girls at Project Dynamics sure expected it when I married Bobby out of the blue. =)

I'd really like to meet some other pregnant moms. Jen is coming to visit tomorrow with her daughter. I can't wait, but I have a lot to do before she gets here.

Names we like: Evelyn, Elizabeth, Nate, Lucas, Alan

Oh! My due date is October 23.

Waves

Once you've decided to be an adult, there's no going back. (Though I use the word "decide" loosely.) It's stressful, and sometimes I think I was crazy to give up carefree living. Most days I realize immaturity carries its own stresses, and I think I prefer mine. Motherhood is another of those no return thresholds. I've wanted to be a mom so much over the past couple of years that I ached with it. I was horribly jealous of fertile women and had to tamp down my need to lash out at those who were pregnant. Now that it's happened, I'm incredibly nervous about the prospect. It was so unexpected after trying for so long and being assured it wouldn't happen without medical intervention. I know that's a familiar song to being singing, but that doesn't lesson my surprise.

I have been trying to decide if I want to find another job. I think it's probably for the best, but I've been so exhausted these past couple weeks. Not to mention the very unfun nausea. It could be worse; I could be puking, but I'm still not very happy. Still, it can't hurt to look. If I could find something low stress and temporary, that would be ideal. I wonder how much being pregnant will hurt my prospects.

Love & Sarcasm

Months ago, I read an article (most likely in some upstanding publication like Cosmo) that told me sarcasm was horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, and indicative of "deeper issues" within a relationship. I laughingly related this information to my husband and he paused, looked thoughtful, then nodded. Now, he periodically reminds me of the article anytime I'm being sarcastic with him. Usually with a straight face even.

I most incessantly tease and mock the people I most love. Sometimes I cross lines, and I feel terribly guilty afterwards, but mostly those people understand I'm not serious. They also give as good as they get (or better). Unfortunately, I also tend to babble when I'm nervous, so the likelihood of something awful tumbling forth in front of people who decidedly do not understand.

The point I'm awkwardly circling here is that I do understand sarcasm is not a good way to communicate effectively with others. I just don't care. (Hah.) I grew up watching Monty Python and Black Adder with a parent who was rarely serious if she didn't need to be (and sometimes not even when it might have been helpful). In my family, sarcasm is an expression of affection. Now, I'm incubating the next generation, and I'm thinking a lot about what I do and say and what will have to change. I think no matter what else becoming a mom does to me and my life, it will still be full of love and sarcasm.

First Appointment

I went to the doctor today, and she confirmed my pregnancy and did a sonogram. All I could see was a little bubble, which she said was the amniotic sac. It was very neat, but I'm feeling very disconnected from it all. I know in my head that I'm pregnant, but I don't quite believe I'm going to have a baby. If that makes sense. Bobby was disappointed I didn't bring a printout of the sonogram, but there wasn't really anything to see.

We're going to wait until April to tell everyone, but my mom knows already. She seems to be excited, which is a relief. She's volunteered to take the baby so we can have date nights. I'm sure I'll appreciate that a lot later on.

Beginnings

After 18 months of pseudo "trying to conceive," four tests have confirmed that I am pregnant. I am scared and confused, but excited. Bobby and I have yet to do anything the easy way, so why should becoming parents be any different? In honor of this momentous occasion, I'm starting a grown up blog. I've been journalling sporadically on livejournal since my junior year of high school, and I've always enjoyed it as a way of venting or working through my thoughts in addition to having a way to share what's going on in my life with my friends. Most of those friends have left livejournal now, and, in all truth, have moved beyond me in one way or another. Or I did. The things I'm doing and worrying about are not their things. In any event, I associate livejournal with my high school self, and I haven't been that girl in some time now. So, today, I anoint this blog for my adult self, my wife self, my mom self.