Once you've decided to be an adult, there's no going back. (Though I use the word "decide" loosely.) It's stressful, and sometimes I think I was crazy to give up carefree living. Most days I realize immaturity carries its own stresses, and I think I prefer mine. Motherhood is another of those no return thresholds. I've wanted to be a mom so much over the past couple of years that I ached with it. I was horribly jealous of fertile women and had to tamp down my need to lash out at those who were pregnant. Now that it's happened, I'm incredibly nervous about the prospect. It was so unexpected after trying for so long and being assured it wouldn't happen without medical intervention. I know that's a familiar song to being singing, but that doesn't lesson my surprise.
I have been trying to decide if I want to find another job. I think it's probably for the best, but I've been so exhausted these past couple weeks. Not to mention the very unfun nausea. It could be worse; I could be puking, but I'm still not very happy. Still, it can't hurt to look. If I could find something low stress and temporary, that would be ideal. I wonder how much being pregnant will hurt my prospects.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Love & Sarcasm
Months ago, I read an article (most likely in some upstanding publication like Cosmo) that told me sarcasm was horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, and indicative of "deeper issues" within a relationship. I laughingly related this information to my husband and he paused, looked thoughtful, then nodded. Now, he periodically reminds me of the article anytime I'm being sarcastic with him. Usually with a straight face even.
I most incessantly tease and mock the people I most love. Sometimes I cross lines, and I feel terribly guilty afterwards, but mostly those people understand I'm not serious. They also give as good as they get (or better). Unfortunately, I also tend to babble when I'm nervous, so the likelihood of something awful tumbling forth in front of people who decidedly do not understand.
The point I'm awkwardly circling here is that I do understand sarcasm is not a good way to communicate effectively with others. I just don't care. (Hah.) I grew up watching Monty Python and Black Adder with a parent who was rarely serious if she didn't need to be (and sometimes not even when it might have been helpful). In my family, sarcasm is an expression of affection. Now, I'm incubating the next generation, and I'm thinking a lot about what I do and say and what will have to change. I think no matter what else becoming a mom does to me and my life, it will still be full of love and sarcasm.
I most incessantly tease and mock the people I most love. Sometimes I cross lines, and I feel terribly guilty afterwards, but mostly those people understand I'm not serious. They also give as good as they get (or better). Unfortunately, I also tend to babble when I'm nervous, so the likelihood of something awful tumbling forth in front of people who decidedly do not understand.
The point I'm awkwardly circling here is that I do understand sarcasm is not a good way to communicate effectively with others. I just don't care. (Hah.) I grew up watching Monty Python and Black Adder with a parent who was rarely serious if she didn't need to be (and sometimes not even when it might have been helpful). In my family, sarcasm is an expression of affection. Now, I'm incubating the next generation, and I'm thinking a lot about what I do and say and what will have to change. I think no matter what else becoming a mom does to me and my life, it will still be full of love and sarcasm.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
First Appointment
I went to the doctor today, and she confirmed my pregnancy and did a sonogram. All I could see was a little bubble, which she said was the amniotic sac. It was very neat, but I'm feeling very disconnected from it all. I know in my head that I'm pregnant, but I don't quite believe I'm going to have a baby. If that makes sense. Bobby was disappointed I didn't bring a printout of the sonogram, but there wasn't really anything to see.
We're going to wait until April to tell everyone, but my mom knows already. She seems to be excited, which is a relief. She's volunteered to take the baby so we can have date nights. I'm sure I'll appreciate that a lot later on.
We're going to wait until April to tell everyone, but my mom knows already. She seems to be excited, which is a relief. She's volunteered to take the baby so we can have date nights. I'm sure I'll appreciate that a lot later on.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Beginnings
After 18 months of pseudo "trying to conceive," four tests have confirmed that I am pregnant. I am scared and confused, but excited. Bobby and I have yet to do anything the easy way, so why should becoming parents be any different? In honor of this momentous occasion, I'm starting a grown up blog. I've been journalling sporadically on livejournal since my junior year of high school, and I've always enjoyed it as a way of venting or working through my thoughts in addition to having a way to share what's going on in my life with my friends. Most of those friends have left livejournal now, and, in all truth, have moved beyond me in one way or another. Or I did. The things I'm doing and worrying about are not their things. In any event, I associate livejournal with my high school self, and I haven't been that girl in some time now. So, today, I anoint this blog for my adult self, my wife self, my mom self.
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