Thoughts on Marriage

I love being married. Or, I love being married to B0bby. I don't think the married part is all that necessary, it'd be the same if we just lived together. That said, my views on marriage in general tend to be very cynical. I think people get married too quickly and for the wrong reasons. I think people should be more careful about having children. Both Bobby and I come from divorced parents. Both of our fathers are remarried and seem happy. Our mothers are chronic marriers. My mom is on marriage number 4, and it seems like it is going just as strong as ever. Bobby's mom is on number 5 or 6..? I think? That one, we'll see, it's still new. With that history, however, we're hyper aware of our relationship health. I know I think about it when we argue. I think, "How important is this? Worth taking a step down a bad path? Is there a better way to resolve it?" I don't know if Bobby's the same way, but I know he's concerned about the quantity of sex decreasing after the baby's arrival. (In all truth, so am I.) I do believe that the quality of a couple's sex life is an indicator of the health of their marriage. So, we make an effort.

Wow, wild tangent I didn't intend at all. Anyway, my little sister is getting married in September. I am decidedly opposed. She'll be fresh out of high school. She's not quite 18. She still lives at home (with her boyfriend, yes, but AT HOME). I've been trying to decide how big a hypocrite I am for feeling like this, but I still wish I were close enough to her to be comfortable talking her out of it. I hope they decide to wait. She asked me to be maid of honor, but I don't think I'll be able to travel so close to my due date. (To say nothing of finances.) But... ugh.

I've completely lost my appetite and 10 lbs. I miss the first, not so much the second (not that I see a difference.) Ugh. I'm really looking forward to the morning sickness part being over. I am a little afraid I'll end up being one of the ones to stay sick the whole time. I think my mom did.

Insurance is the devil

I know I mentioned I might be looking for a job, but not why. I got laid off about two weeks before I found out about the pregnancy. Yeah. Cool beans, hmm? So I'm paying an assload for COBRA since as a prego chick I am UNINSURABLE. I understand the fiscal logistics of why that is, but it's still total BS that proper medical care during pregnancy is so expensive. Today I finished my paperwork to work for West, which is a call center kind of place. I'll be working from home, which is pretty badass, but I'm taking (another) 40% pay cut. $32K/year to $8/hr hurts, yeah? But it's what I wanted. I wouldn't go back to hospitality for less than $40K and I don't have the experience to support that salary. And it's not doing so well in the current economic climate either, so for now I'm just thankful I'm employed and that I can pick my hours. I'm going to be taking calls for whirlpool regarding recall, so it might even be interesting (pfft). But I can play wow in downtime! If there is any, which will be seen.

Tomorrow I have a killer test in Anatomy, so I'm leaving my training until Monday. In the meantime, I am nauseous all. the. time. but not vomiting constantly. My boobs ache, my digestion is all abnormal like, I get hot flashes, and I am constantly exhausted. Oh, and I pee constantly. I thought the pee thing was only once your uterus was big enough to pressure your bladder, but it actually starts right away because your body steps up blood production, and therefore blood filtration and production of liquid waste. So I'm peeing more than I ever have and can't stay hydrated. My skin's dry, my lips crack, and I can't brush my teeth often enough. I understand now why pregnant women have to be hospitalized to rehydrate sometimes. It's the coolest, most fascinating stuff ever, especially in conjunction with my anatomy/physiology class. But it still kind of sucks. Bobby says he thought me being pregnant would be fun, not watching me fall asleep over dinner. I think it will be once I start feeling stuff that's baby and not just stuff that's sick. And I'm really looking forward to going shopping.

Empty house

Apparently I'm supposed to avoid all unnecessary x-rays. How often does that come up? I mean, do doctors frequently recommend x-rays that they don't need? Weird.

So, Jen went home today with Janelle. I was surprised how much Bobby enjoyed interacting with her. She was a good baby, though she made me see I'll have a lot of work to do baby proofing our house. And it made me impatient to know what my baby is going to be (is?). I want to shop, dammit! Jen brought some little fabric books and bought a duckie sleeper set for him/her, so she's officially the first gift-giver!

In other news, today was the first spring rain and I've lost 6 lbs to nausea. I'm hoping I can avoid gaining too much weight - I really hope I don't break 200 lbs. Fingers crossed! Lots of studying to do, so off I go!

I have a due date!

Today was my second doctor's visit. I got to hear the heart beat for the first time, and it was incredible. My mom got me a day-by-day pregnancy journal thing with lots of information about the growth and development. Everyday I tell Bobby something new, like "the tail portion is becoming less prominent," hah. It says that today is the end of the first lunar month and I have 8 and a half to go. That seems like such a long time, but I guess it'll be here before I know it.

I've told some of my friends that I'm pregnant, and no one has said anything about my youth or anything (not that I expected them to). I kind of wonder if they've been expecting that announcement for a while. I know the girls at Project Dynamics sure expected it when I married Bobby out of the blue. =)

I'd really like to meet some other pregnant moms. Jen is coming to visit tomorrow with her daughter. I can't wait, but I have a lot to do before she gets here.

Names we like: Evelyn, Elizabeth, Nate, Lucas, Alan

Oh! My due date is October 23.

Waves

Once you've decided to be an adult, there's no going back. (Though I use the word "decide" loosely.) It's stressful, and sometimes I think I was crazy to give up carefree living. Most days I realize immaturity carries its own stresses, and I think I prefer mine. Motherhood is another of those no return thresholds. I've wanted to be a mom so much over the past couple of years that I ached with it. I was horribly jealous of fertile women and had to tamp down my need to lash out at those who were pregnant. Now that it's happened, I'm incredibly nervous about the prospect. It was so unexpected after trying for so long and being assured it wouldn't happen without medical intervention. I know that's a familiar song to being singing, but that doesn't lesson my surprise.

I have been trying to decide if I want to find another job. I think it's probably for the best, but I've been so exhausted these past couple weeks. Not to mention the very unfun nausea. It could be worse; I could be puking, but I'm still not very happy. Still, it can't hurt to look. If I could find something low stress and temporary, that would be ideal. I wonder how much being pregnant will hurt my prospects.

Love & Sarcasm

Months ago, I read an article (most likely in some upstanding publication like Cosmo) that told me sarcasm was horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, and indicative of "deeper issues" within a relationship. I laughingly related this information to my husband and he paused, looked thoughtful, then nodded. Now, he periodically reminds me of the article anytime I'm being sarcastic with him. Usually with a straight face even.

I most incessantly tease and mock the people I most love. Sometimes I cross lines, and I feel terribly guilty afterwards, but mostly those people understand I'm not serious. They also give as good as they get (or better). Unfortunately, I also tend to babble when I'm nervous, so the likelihood of something awful tumbling forth in front of people who decidedly do not understand.

The point I'm awkwardly circling here is that I do understand sarcasm is not a good way to communicate effectively with others. I just don't care. (Hah.) I grew up watching Monty Python and Black Adder with a parent who was rarely serious if she didn't need to be (and sometimes not even when it might have been helpful). In my family, sarcasm is an expression of affection. Now, I'm incubating the next generation, and I'm thinking a lot about what I do and say and what will have to change. I think no matter what else becoming a mom does to me and my life, it will still be full of love and sarcasm.

First Appointment

I went to the doctor today, and she confirmed my pregnancy and did a sonogram. All I could see was a little bubble, which she said was the amniotic sac. It was very neat, but I'm feeling very disconnected from it all. I know in my head that I'm pregnant, but I don't quite believe I'm going to have a baby. If that makes sense. Bobby was disappointed I didn't bring a printout of the sonogram, but there wasn't really anything to see.

We're going to wait until April to tell everyone, but my mom knows already. She seems to be excited, which is a relief. She's volunteered to take the baby so we can have date nights. I'm sure I'll appreciate that a lot later on.

Beginnings

After 18 months of pseudo "trying to conceive," four tests have confirmed that I am pregnant. I am scared and confused, but excited. Bobby and I have yet to do anything the easy way, so why should becoming parents be any different? In honor of this momentous occasion, I'm starting a grown up blog. I've been journalling sporadically on livejournal since my junior year of high school, and I've always enjoyed it as a way of venting or working through my thoughts in addition to having a way to share what's going on in my life with my friends. Most of those friends have left livejournal now, and, in all truth, have moved beyond me in one way or another. Or I did. The things I'm doing and worrying about are not their things. In any event, I associate livejournal with my high school self, and I haven't been that girl in some time now. So, today, I anoint this blog for my adult self, my wife self, my mom self.